Post No. 4 | LinkedOut
Over the past years, The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance has sat quietly by as the haughty populace of Hershel-bag-toting, artisanal-jeans-wearing, Instagram-curating, mid-youths have ever-so-bravely sat sipping their slow-bar coffees and denigrating the service known as LinkedIn. We can no longer abide in silence amidst the battery of this FREE service.
Now, we have not come to defend the LinkedIn LLC Corporation based on its freeness. After all, dog feces, pneumonia, and the sight of posterior crevasses of stooping pipe-fitters can be garnered for the same cost.
No, the fact that it's free does not provide LinkedIn with any such credit. We choose to defend the service, not for any intrinsic or extrinsic value it possesses, but rather, out of basic human decency. Believe it or not, LinkedIn is the product of many hours of hard work by your Johns, Marys, and Mohammeds of this world. To besmirch their work is to besmirch them as individuals. John, Mary, Mohammed, we are by your side. Every generation seems to have its own stain of snarky better-than-yous and this generation’s stain is particularly wide, brown, and pungent.
In addition to the fact that LinkedIn is the product of tremendous effort, the network has resulted in thousands if not billions of profitable connections. Take for example the invitation to connect which I just received from Prakash, a delightful peer that I worked alongside on a recent project.
Yes, Prakash, I would like to connect with you via LinkedIn. Our professional lives will be bettered by remaining in communication.
As I was saying, there is untold value in connectivity. Even as this article is composed, I am provided with additional opportunities for collaboration!
Absolutely, Laura Beckingham! I would love to connect with you via LinkedIn. You passed along the resume of a, now, vital member of my team.
Yes, Dale Smethers, my former boss’ executive assistant, I would like to connect with you via LinkedIn, We may benefit from a mutual network of former employees of the Orange Julius Conglomerate. LinkedIn!
Sure, Kathy Kingsbury, local pottery wizard, I don't mind connecting with you via LinkedIn. It's possible that we might need to discuss glazes in the future. More than likely we won't, as I have given up ceramics, but what the heck, right?
Linked. In.
Ok, Roy Osbourne, your ability to instruct my grandmother’s aerobics class has improved her quality of life and I owe you some gratitude for that. LinkMe in.
Fine, Sherryl Peters, keeping on the good side of our mutual acquaintance is probably a good idea. LinkIt up.
Quincy Abbot, Landry Pasquale, and Candy Putt, you all can pad my number of contacts. That way I'll look more important. LinkEm up.
Geez, Sammy. You've sent me eight of these this week. PityLinking you in.
Hershel Manique, you are most likely a robot, but what if you're not? #FOMOLinkedIn
Shane Shane, ok, you're definitely a robot, but I can't stop now.
Chrissy Tomlinson, it's obvious that I am the PityLink in this scenario. I know a superior LinkedIner when I receive an invite from one. I humbly gobble the crumbs swept from your banquet table. Invitation Accepted.
John Jones, accept. Becky B, accept. Thunderclap69, you have driven me to tears. Accept.
Audrey Landsdown, I hope you choke on this.
Accept. Blaine Bosco, this one’s for your mom! Accept.
Curse you and your kin, Rascal Whethersby, Accept.
Dear Abigail, your request has hollowed me of my humanity. Exhaustion has overwhelmed my judgment. I accept your invitation to connect via LinkedIn. May the dust of my brittle shell fertilize the depleted earth that some might thrive from my carrion husk. Accept.
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Dear, John@linkedin.com, mary@linkedin.com, and Mohammed@linkedin.com,
For many years have I come to your defense. But now, I must make a request. Please. Make. It. Stop.
You have created the Japanese water torture of social media, and every drop, every notification, and every email, from someone awaiting my response, has rattled my brain to its core.
I’ve just come to accept the fact as I have composed this address, that while I loathe receiving invitations from others, an equal or greater number of people are getting invitations from me. This news is more than I can bear. It rips at the inside of me like an animal sewn into my chest.
I have become what I hate. There’s only one solution for me. It's up to me to sacrifice myself so that others do not suffer the same. The plague only stops, if it stops with me. And so, I’m here, fumbling with the black cord. I know what I have to do but I’m scared.
I've left a note behind explaining the reasons for my action.
I can no longer subject my friends and family to this pestilence. I am the virus amongst good people and I don't see any other ways out.
What do I do?
I'm desperate.
Please, send help by accepting this invitation to connect via LinkedIn,
Sincerely,
Yours
