Article II, Organizational Bylaws
Article II, Section 1. The Laws
The laws of The Preservation Society shall consist of the contents of Article II of The Preservation Society Articles of Incorporation, which you are now reading. If something about the fact that you are currently reading the section entitled “Article II, Organizational Bylaws,” is unclear, please take it upon yourself to restart the process of reading “Article II, Organizational Bylaws.” Go slow. You can do it. Sound out the letters one at a time and then pop the sounds together like machine-gun fire as they come out of your slackened jaw. Feel free to start over and repeat as necessary -- you’ll get it.
In addition to Article III, Organizational Bylaws, The Preservation Society Conduct Bulletin is a treasure trove of helpful tidbits to guide you on your journey towards uncertainty.
Be advised. The laws of The Preservation Society are infalliblesque. Any inconsistency between Article III, Organizational Bylaws, and The Preservation Society Conduct Bulletin is to be highlighted and celebrated -- what could make our standards more unclear!
Article II, Section 2. All Consuming Power
The Preservation Society shall have all-consuming power to conduct all internal doings, proceedings, and actions, both intentional and unintentional according to our mission. In order to remain in good standing, each member is required to diligently study the laws set forth in any and all official correspondence. Though it may change on the whimsy of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance, all members are held accountable for knowing and following institutional regulations.
Article II, Section 3. A Non-Secret Entity
The Preservation Society is formed as a non-secret entity.*
*Duh.
Article II, Section 4. Hierarchy of Membership
Senior Minister
The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance
Recorder of Deeds
Treasurist
Unnamed Level 1
Unnamed Level 2
Unnamed Level 3
Unnamed Level 4
Class I Stumbleabout
Class I Inferior Stumbleabout
Class II Wanderfoot
Class II Inferior Wanderfoot
Class III Waffler
Class III Inferior Waffler
Class IV Curmudgeon
Class IV Inferior Curmudgeon
Class V - General Membership
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Backslidden Deviant
Article II, Section 5. Roger’s Rules of Order
In 1876 Army Major Henry Martyn Robert published his most esteemed work, Robert’s Rules of Order. His self-congratulatory writings were focused on promoting the rights of the majority of the minority. A position he somehow always found himself occupying in several institutions throughout the rest of his life. Curious. Very curious indeed.
In search of a more palatable system of operation, and considering our inordinately top-heavy institutional structure, The Preservation Society’s crack research team sought out a lesser-known set of rules which our institution now operates under.
Unbeknownst to many, Army Major Henry Martyn Robert had a half-brother named Army Private Roger Robert who developed his own rules of order prior to Army Major Henry Martyn Robert. Among individuals who have not been coerced in a meeting conducted using Robert’s Rules of Order, it is widely known that Henry stole Roger’s concept for the rules of order and then passed them off as his own. Of course, on his way to fame, glory, and royalties for the subsequent 11 editions of his stolen intellectual property, Henry bastardized the rules of order in order to avoid the legal entanglements which Roger Robert levied against him. Throughout the lawsuit that ensued Henry claimed that he had done all of the actual writing of the work and therefore it was inconsequential as to whom had originally come up with the idea. It was just like the story of that movie The Social Network, which ripped off the idea of ripping off another person's intellectual property from the Robert’s brothers.
Out of solidarity with Army Private Roger Robert, The Preservation Society has opted to employ the original manuscript, Roger’s Rules of Order to conduct our activities.
Below you will find the unabridged documentation of Roger’s Rules of Order, copyright pending,1875.
I think that when the bossman of the group stand up er’body should quiet’n down. Whoever wants t’make talk oughta raise their’n hand real high and then just start a’tawlk’n. He’kin yell “shut up!” if’n er'body don't quiet down.
Things kin carry on that’a’way until somebody yells out the words, “join’er die!” Then, er’body who greez with that man whose’a’bin tawkin’ gets their own chair up and moves it t’his side’a’the saloon.
No women tawlkers.*
While we find the process of Robert’s Rules of Order to be more productive, the heart of The Preservation Society stands with the young, barely literate, Army Private Roger Robert. May his soul find justice and restitution for the wrongs committed against him.
*The Preservation Society does not condone or employ this portion of Roger’s Rules of Order. We are, after all, a modern organization, committed to equality in every way.
Article II, Section 6. Meeting and Conclave Procedures
Article II, 6.1. The Invocation
Just as soon as it’s gotten around to, each meeting of The Preservation Society shall begin with an invocation. The invocation shall be given by any member of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance. The call to order proceeding the invocation shall consist of three swift raps of something hard e.g. tennis racket, doorknob in a sock, or fine china, against something soft, e.g. teddy bear, loose bed feathers, or nerf ammunition. If conducted at just above a whisper the call to order will hopefully go unnoticed over the din of conversation in the room. Thus inviting the mystery of, “Did we start?” into the room. Note, it is acceptable to rap the something soft item against the something hard item but special permission from a senior officer must be obtained prior to the rapping. Below is our standard invocation:
Ahem. Will the Recorder of Deeds commence documentation of all actions and utterances of the membership. The Preservation Society shall now come to order. Mr. Senior Minister and The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance hereby welcome all members in good standing to this, our meeting held (Month, day, year). We hereby set out to undermine certainty. May we never achieve our goal.
Article II, Section 6.2. Induction of Non-members
The presence of non-members at any sanctioned Preservation Society conclave is strictly prohibited. With this fact in mind, rather than excuse non-members from the proceedings, The Preservation Society shall induct all non-members into the organization before any further business is undertaken. For details regarding the induction of non-members see Article IV Section 1: The Oath of Induction.
Article II, Section 6.3. The Recitation of The Preservation Society Motto
Once order has been reached, The Preservation Society Motto should be recited in full. See Article VI, Section 3. for the most current iteration of The Preservation Society Motto.
Invocator: Certainty the enemy.
All: What’s that now?
Article II, Section 6.4. Roll Call
Being a non-secret organization we believe in an open roll call at each conclave. But listen, it’s gonna take forever if we call out all the names of the people who aren’t there, right? Let’s just go around the room and introduce ourselves by whatever name we’d like to go by.
Article II, Section 6.5. Reading of The Agenda
Once the roll has been called, the agenda of the meeting will be read in silence by the Recorder of Deeds. During this time it is acceptable for members to both introduce and dispel liquids from their persons. It is the preference of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance that the two activities not be performed simultaneously, as there have been mix-ups in the past.
Once the Recorder of Deeds has silently breezed over the agenda, he is free to prod the meeting along. Note: any member who fails to follow the agenda can be fined or dismissed depending on the gravity of their error. For “not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance is the death of knowledge.” -Alfred North Whitehead
Article II, Section 6.6. New Business
At this point in the meeting, any member can request to address the floor by using the procedural ques outlined in Roger’s Rules of Order. Once the floor has been given, new business can be addressed with the membership at large.
Article II, Section 6.7. Guest Speaker
Guest speakers are most welcome at each Preservation Society conclave. Orations by guest speakers invited to address the society should approximate ninety (90) minutes of content. Minutes which the individual lacks in pre-prepared content pertaining to their area of expertise shall be compensated for by filibuster or exhaustive reading from any pre-approved text.
Should the speaker default on their commitment of ninety (90) minutes, the speaker will be deemed guilty of Class II Dereliction of Duty and therefore subject to the corresponding retributive measures.
All are welcome to apply to address the society as a guest speaker with but one exception. The Preservation Society has taken issue with, an individual named Theodore. Said TED, as he is more commonly known, is barred from speaking at any sanctioned Preservation Society event.
The man in question has an entire speaking series that bears the truncated iteration of his name and he, so far as we can tell, has never bothered to take the stage after being introduced.
The gall it takes to blow off an introduction by individuals such as Bill Gates, Desmond Tutu, and Brian Greene is beyond distasteful and disrespectful. Ted, whoever you are, do the world a favor and show up to one of your fancy events for once, apologize, and then swallow a handful of tacks. The nerve.
If one wishes to apply to be a guest speaker at a Preservation Society conclave. Please fill out form 1234(z) and submit it to Janet in corporate.*
*No TEDs
Article II, Section 6.8. Special Music
Music is an integral aspect of every Preservation Society conclave. While The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance is available to provide the musical interlude, we prefer to open the stage to any qualified songsman, songswoman or songspersons.
The music selected for performance should be chosen for its quality and melodic content. Lyrics containing the following shall not be permitted:
Oh baby
It's been one week since you looked at…
Whoomp! (there it is)
Gettin’ jiggy wit it
With arms wide open
Songs about cars, county fairs, low-riding vehicular transportation, screaming at the top of one’s lungs, candles in inclement weather, and the words “Hey, Ho” will be considered for performance on a case by case basis.
Should the likes of Thomas Waits, Fiona Apple, Allison Krause, Gillian Welch, or the ghost of John Denver avail themselves, they are more than welcome to join the society and play at any time.
Article II, Section 6.9. Collection of Dues and Fees
After the society’s hunger for intellectual sustenance and musical laxative has been sated, the hat shall be passed to collect any outstanding fees, dues, contributions, offerings, or kickbacks.
The method of passing the hat shall be the following: as each member receives the receptacle* from their right or left, the receiver should observe the deliverer’s contribution. The receiver should then respond with a reciprocal nod of approval, gaze of disgust, or scoff of judgment. By exerting this very light peer pressure it is more likely that The Society squeeze as many dollars into its coffers as possible. Rubbernecking is permitted and indeed encouraged by non-receivers during this time.
*When available, an unsoiled bedpan should be passed during the collection time as an homage to the Society’s first collection at the Greene County Jail.** For details regaling this event, see Article II Section 1.
**Please note: Commemorative posters and postcards are available online at the company store for a limited time.
Article II, Section 6.10. Promotions
Being an organization bent on success The Preservation Society relishes the opportunity to promote our members at every opportunity. Promotions will be handed out like cheap candy on Halloween at each sanctioned conclave of The Preservation Society. Those who wish to advance themselves through our hierarchy are encouraged to study and execute The Preservation Society process of Self-Relinquishmentation.* Each step towards the bright center of uncertainty is achieved through this process. Members will find that as one progresses in Self-Relinquishmentation so does one's institutional stature. For those who: 1) demonstrate the willingness to advance, 2) complete the necessary coursework, and 3) financially indemnify the cost of their promotion, advancement to the upper echelon of the organization is all but a given.
In a perfect world, each member would co-occupy the position of Senior Minister, but since we live in an imperfect world, our Senior Minister is granted authority over each, and every, member’s institutional stature.
In the opinion of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance, the phrase “Too many chiefs and not enough Indians,” is an institutional fallacy meant to prohibit the advancement of the masses (and a woefully outdated expression).
For more information regarding the hierarchical structure of The Preservation Society see Article III, Section 4.
*The Process of Self-Relinquishmentation is outlined in great detail in The Preservation Society Conduct Bulletin.
Article II, Section 6.12. Closing Word
Just as each meeting commences with an unannounced tapping of something hard against something soft, the conclusion of a conclave shall end with a similar non-bang. More often than not, the Senior Minister will excuse himself to use the “gents” and then retire to his private residence. Members should remain present until they are sure that nature’s call is not being answered before disembarking.
Article II, Section 7. Good Standing and your Impending Fall From it
Throughout the course of a Preservation Society member’s tenure, it is most desirable to remain in good standing. As a member in good standing, one retains all rights and privileges outlined in the Articles of Incorporation and The Conduct Bulletin. However, in all likelihood, each member will inevitably fall from the razor’s edge of the Society’s good graces and find themselves labeled a Backslidden Deviant.
Just as a civilian might suddenly find themselves a Class II Inferior Wanderfoot having no prior knowledge of The Preservation Society, or their conscription into our ranks, a member in good standing can be excommunicated just as easily.
Offenses that might prompt a member’s fall from good standing are listed, but not limited, to the examples below:
Placing all one’s eggs in one #%*^$&
Adorning one’s $&@# more than one leg at a time
Failure to respond with a traditional “Ho” when prompted by its predecessor “€&$”
Incorrectly using the words: always, never, absolutely, definitely, or literally. Especially literally.
Failure to display one’s Pin of Distinction at a sanctioned Preservation Society event.
If the reader has noticed, a portion of the text in Article III, Section 6, has been supplanted by symbols. This is meant to protect innocent minds from the unintentional planting of misdeeds. It is for the protection of the innocent that we have taken such measures.
For those members with iron resolve and unwavering devotion, a more exhausting list of potential grounds which one might be labeled a Backslidden Deviant are available in The Preservation Society Conduct Bulletin.
Article II, Section 8. Retribution for Wrongdoings: Poetry as Punishment
In order to maintain our distinctive walk down the razor's edge of uncertainty, The Preservation Society has reluctantly embraced our punitive nature. The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance takes no pleasure in doling out swift and just punishment but our rocky past has taught us that if we must, we must. Though it pains us to do so, members will find a listing of the levels of infraction and their corresponding retributions below. We trust our members will find them fair and irrefutable.
Level I Minor Infraction, As penance for committing a Level I Minor Infraction the member will submit a written apology in the form of a poetic couplet detailing the circumstances of their offense and then publicly read said apology at the next Preservation Society conclave.
Level II Dereliction of Duty, As penance for a Level II Dereliction of Duty the member will produce a single tear and affix it to an acrostic poem detailing their infraction.
Level III Subtle Discontent, As penance for a Level III Subtle Discontent the member will write a limerick showing their intent to quash their feelings. The member will also receive The Preservation Society Shoulder of Coldness for an indeterminate period of time.
Level IV Willing Disobedience, As penance for a Level IV instance of Willing Disobedience the member will produce a quatrain showing their true remorse for flaunting the policies of the institution. Alongside their poem, the member will be suspended from any activity or celebration held by The Preservation Society until further notice.
Level V Shameless Insubordination, As penance for a Level V instance of Shameless Insubordination the member will produce a sonnet lamenting their insubordination. In addition to their poetic expression, the member will stand in a corner of their choosing and meditate upon their wrongdoing until The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance’s wrath has been satisfied.
Level VI The Treason of Certainty, As penance for Level VI Treason of Certainty the member will be labeled a Backslidden Deviant and be excommunicated from The Preservation Society. All materials belonging to the institution should be remanded upon dismissal, including the member’s Pin of Distinction. If the member has an interest in someday re-joining The Preservation Society, a haiku expressing their regret should be submitted at the time of their ex-communication. Without a haiku bearing significant evidence of their sorrow and renunciation of certainty, readmittance is not an option.
Level VII Necessary Revolution, Should a member lead the organization in a revolution that furthers our mission, The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance will first make a public show of taking credit for said revolutionary measure. Following our self-congratulatory festivities, the member will produce a free verse or beat-inspired admission of wrongdoing. The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance will respond with a clandestine bestowing of The Preservation Society Badge of Indistinction in thanks of their service to the organization.
Please note: In the past, many have questioned our “Poetry as Punishment Policy.”* It is the staunch belief of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance that the focus required to express oneself through poetry is the single greatest tool to change the mind of the deviant. Through the power of the Poetry as Punishment Policy, we truly hope even the most ardent felon might come to self-reflective repentance. The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance has also reported that the poems make for hilarious bathroom reading.
*As a result of their questioning these individuals were guilty of Level III Subtle Discontent and were subject to the corresponding retributive measures. Thus experiencing the transformative nature of the Poetry as Punishment Policy first-hand.
Article II, Section 9. A Self-Policing Membership
While The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance attempts to be omnipresent in the lives of our members we have found it impossible to do so. In light of this limitation, we hereby deputize our membership to police one another regarding matters pertaining to the institution. The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance hereby commissions all members to report any violations of the guidelines outlined in the Articles of Incorporation or Conduct Bulletin. As deputies of the law, each member is not only required to know the law as to not break it themselves but is mandated with the responsibility of seeing that the law is observed by others. A member’s failure to report infractions will lead to the member being charged with Class II Dereliction of Duty.
Through constant surveillance, we are able to encourage one another in our individual success within the organization.
If a violation is observed, the observer should fill out Form 3004(a), detailing the guilty party’s transgression, and submit it to Janet in corporate.
Article II, Section 10. Amendments to Institutional Documents
Amendments to The Preservation Society Articles of Incorporation and Conduct Bulletin by the general membership are welcomed and can be made at any time. The process of amending our institutional documents is as follows:
Arrive at a conclusion which addresses a shortcoming or perceived lack of clarification within our current written ideology. When identifying the directive which needs to be addressed, please classify your idea within one of the four categories outlined in Article I, Section 4.1. Note, if any amendment is submitted that aims to bring certainty to an area of preexisting mystery, it will be immediately deposited in The Preservation Society Eternal Incinerator.
Complete the Amendment Request Form 608(b) in triplicate. Please be sure to fill out all required fields as an incomplete document will not be considered for ratification.
Provide ancillary documentation of all reasoning which has prompted the proposed amendment to our (to date) infallible institutional documents.
Provide names, ranks, and telephone numbers of all co-conspirators in your mission to upset The Preservation Society at large. These members may be brought in for questioning regarding The Treason of Certainty unrelated to your amendment.
Once Form 608(b) is completed, please submit it to Janet in corporate.
If the submitter of an amendment happens to be the Senior Minister or a member of The Preservation Society Board of Dictatorial Governance, Janet will just go ahead and stamp it with her seal of approval and we'll get it ratified without delay or due process at the next available opportunity.
