Article V, History: Conception
It’s common knowledge that all great institutions are formed out of necessity. The United Nations was formed to increase global cooperation after World War II, the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers was formed to provide a collective advocate for electrical workers and the Freemasons were initially formed to free Mason, one of the first orcas held in captivity, into the North Pacific.* The Preservation Society is no different than these illustrious organizations. Having witnessed the opium of self-assuredness addle the brains of our population we were left with no choice other than to rectify the situation post-haste. Thus, The Preservation Society was initiated as a rebellion against the plague of certainty.
Our illustrious ranks were first gathered on first October, in the year 2006. Prior to that time, our Senior Minister Mr. JRH rode the high side of the scale of institutional leadership. Deemed a "mumbler" "lost in a loose bag of thoughts” by his childhood comrades, Mr. JRH lacked the power to cause the slightest tremble of the scale of influence. Unwilling to retain his featherweight status amongst societal heavyweights our illustrious leader set to work at life’s buffet table to “put on a few.” Our championed leader donned his boxing gloves and set to work creating a way of life worthy of adoption by you, our glorious membership. He would later remove the boxing gloves as many of the means used to communicate the gospel of uncertainty does not respond well to their gentle plumpness.
First things were first: standards. Any governing body with more wit than two barbarians wrestling over a feather ought to have standards for both its members and those in our general proximity. Thus, the pre-process of writing The Preservation Society Conduct Bulletin was initiated. After several days spent with Class I Senior Director CRS filibustering to delay the beginning of a tabled discussion over redundant legislation, the writing of our Conduct Bulletin began.
Three stacks of Applebee’s coasters and the back of a small manilla envelope served as parchment for our founding documents. It goes without saying that many a minute was spent pouring over their contents, but before the lava had cooled from the center of our Chocolate Lava Cake™, we had forged The Preservation Society. May the mustard-stained surfaces of our founding documents be preserved indefinitely!
When final signatures were affixed and all waxy seals pressed, a three-day riotous melee of glad-handing ensued. By the end of the third day, the Applebee's restaurant was upset, to say the least. Post “standoff” with the “police” and subsequent “arraignment,” our founding fathers were released on bail -- paid with the dues gathered from the first members inducted into our ranks.** Lord bless every one of their misdemeanor committing hides.
With great jubilation of our uncontested self-election, we set off in pith helmets and khaki short shorts into the wild grey yonder.
*For the record, freaking Willie can hang it out to dry. That second-rate, floppy-finned impostor literally can't hold a candle to Mason -- who gracefully leaped a flatbed truck carrying a platoon of coastguardsmen and coastguardswomen to reach the Puget Sound after fighting his way through sixteen miles of storm drainage pipes. And all this without the help of a blond, squeaky-voiced, boobie.
**Below is an account of the induction ceremony that took place October 4, 2006, at the Greene County Jail.
Mr. JRH: “Please raise your left hand. Will you Slack-Eyed Frank, Tumbleweed Tim, Mr. Stains, Rudy “Dockers” Mitchell, and Rhonda pledge your unending service to The Preservation Society, vowing to uphold our constitution and bylaws until you die, or simply neglect to do so?
Mr. Stains: I’ll show you some neglect!
Mr. JRH: Please strike Mr. Stains comment from the record as he is drunk and showing signs of having huffed one or more cans of Krylon gold.
All: We will.
Mr. JRH: Will you seek out and unseat certainty so others might become lost?
All: We will
Mr. JRH: Will you contribute your customary dues and fees?
All: We will.
Mr. JRH: Welcome to The Preservation Society.
At this point, a fresh bedpan was passed from hand to hand down the line of cells. Each new member plunking what money, cigarettes, or valuables they had into the plate as it passed. Even Mr. Stains, who had momentarily fallen asleep and awoke with a start, place a baby-fist-sized roll of fifty dollar bills in the plate. In all honesty, the pan was initially being passed to Tumbleweed Tim in order to serve its intended purpose and not as an offering plate of sorts. But as the plate arrived, fully laden, at the holding cell of our Senior Minister, Tim’s needs were placed on involuntary hiatus.
Rudy “Dockers” Mitchell: Hallelujah! Now’weed signt up, when yer frens come and bail us out’n’ere?
Mr. JRH: Thank you all for your support. Deputy! I recently come into the rest of the money for bail!
